Friday, January 7, 2011

I Have the Acute Memory Powers of an Elephant.

I tend to forget things if I don't write them down.  Most often, the things that I forget are insignificant annoyances in the grand scheme of things.  Like forgetting that I put a load of laundry in the wash until two days later, or forgetting my carefully planned out shopping list at home.  Or, I just forget to look at the shopping list when I'm shopping.  It makes me wonder how many important things I have forgotten.  I remember when I was a kid, I was always stunned that my parents couldn't remember everything from their childhoods.  Even when I was a teenager, I could still roughly remember what significant things had happened during every year of my life, and what my daily routine was like that year.  I suppose that being with a group of classmates and a teacher almost every day during that period of time made it easier to remember different years clearly.  The more years that pass, the more difficult I find it to differentiate one year from another, and to remember everything.  And everything seems to go much more quickly.  I know I've blogged about this before on my old blog site, so forgive me for the repetition.  I likened the perception of the increasing speed of life to the years of my life being like slices of a pie: every year, there are more slices and they seem smaller.
2010 is done, and there are things I want to remember.  In some ways, it does seem like a long time ago when I remember that my son was only starting to sleep through the night at this time last year.  Oh goodness, I will be living like a zombie again soon.  I couldn't even think about having another baby until he was sleeping through the night, and I decided to wait a couple of months even after he started sleeping through regularly.  Sleep is a dear, dear commodity.  We decided to start trying for a second baby and I was shocked that we conceived right away.  After my husband's chemo treatments six years ago, it didn't look like we would be able to have biological children.  After our first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, it took about a year to conceive our son.  So I was definitely not expecting to get pregnant the first month that we started trying!  I had some unusual pain with that pregnancy, so I went for an early ultrasound.  The ultrasound was inconclusive, meaning that I had either miscalculated my dates, or that the baby was not developing on pace.  My bloodwork was normal and indicative of a normally progressing pregnancy, but the second ultrasound a couple of weeks later showed no heartbeat.
It was so terribly disappointing.  But, strangely enough, I don't want to forget.  I want to remember that little life, brief as it was.  I recently saw the Body Worlds exhibit (which deserves a whole post on its own) and the most fascinating part of the exhibit showed babies (who had died of natural causes) at different points of development in the gestation period.  I was amazed to see just how complex and intricate we humans are just weeks into our development.  My mom and I stared at the fourteen week baby, both of us having lost babies at that point in our first pregnancies.  It was kind of surreal.  I feel badly for women who are encouraged to just dismiss their miscarriages.  I was so fortunate to have people around me who understood my need to grieve the passing of that life, and who cushioned the blow of disappointment with care and prayers.
I was surprised, but a little less so this time, when I got pregnant a little more than a month later.  Clearly, the fertility does not seem to be a problem after all!  It was hard to balance feelings of hope and preparing ourselves for another miscarriage with all the early complications in this pregnancy.  But, I'm 23 weeks today and things are looking wonderfully normal.  We had a fabulous camping trip in the summer, my hubby started working on his master's degree, and another great babysitting opportunity came up for me. I'm so grateful to be able to stay home full-time with my little guy, and I'm glad that he has a little buddy to play with part-time.  I turned 30 years old (eep!) on the same day that my son turned 2.  My husband and I enjoyed our eighth year of marriage and just celebrated our 8th anniversary on the 4th of January.  We also celebrated 6 years of his remission from Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma.
I'm anticipating great things in 2011, most obviously the addition of another little person in our family.  I'm more excited this time around, because I know how magical it is to have a child.  I'm a little more nervous, of course, too because I know the down side of what's coming!  Childbirth (come on, think positive), lack of sleep, colic.  We started this year off with a great little holiday downtown in the city, and I just enjoy my little family so much; I'm excited to see us become a family of four.
This is the part where I feel obliged to make some New Year's Resolutions.  I'll keep it simple to avoid setting myself up.  I want to have more patience; I know I'll need it with another little person depending on me.  I appreciate the friends that I have in my life, and I hope to deepen those friendships.  I don't have many regrets in life, but I do look back on friendships that have drifted apart over the years, and wish that I had done a better job of cultivating those friendships.  I suppose it's a part of life for most people that many friendships come and go, but I really admire people like my in-laws who have close friends that they have known since childhood.  I want to cultivate my relationship with God more in the coming year too.  It's hard to find any time for yourself when you have a child, but I'm realizing that my time is only going to be more in demand in the coming year, so I'm just going to have to carve out time in my day.  Sometimes I listen to podcasts of sermons while I do laundry or dishes, which is great, but I need to just make time to read my Bible and reflect.  I'd like to finally finish reading "Discipleship on the Edge" this year, a commentary on the book of Revelation.  I've read the first half twice, and it's begging me to finish it.
I hope to keep up with my blogging, finish that birthday gift I've been working on for five years for my little sister, and catch up on three years of scrapbooking.  And I'd like to remember to take my calcium supplements this year.  The end.

2 comments:

  1. For the record, I currently have only positive memories of childbirth. I remember that it hurt, but I can't remember the pain. I only remembered how tired I was. And I only gave birth three months ago. And I was awake and drug free, for the most part. I really, really do hope that you get to experience the euphoria that also comes with birthing a baby....it's really such an amazing, amazing thing. Your body is completely capable of doing it! Let it do what it needs to do...and at the end, your sweet reward...which gives you no sleep. Wow, childbirthing is a lot like raising children...it's a long hard journey but soooooooo worth it in every way.

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  2. Thanks, Katherine. It's encouraging to hear positive birth stories like yours!

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